How to Freak Out Your Roommate
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<title>The Complete Guide on How to Freak Out a Roommate</title>
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<h4>The Complete Guide on How to Freak Out a Roommate</h4>
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1. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
<br><br>
2. Twitch a lot.
<br><br>
3. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
<br><br>
4. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to
them.
<br><br>
5. Become a subgenius.
<br><br>
6. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
<br><br>
7. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away,
float up
out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
<br><br>
8. Speak in tongues.
<br><br>
9. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely.
Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he
owns to the ceiling.
<br><br>
10. Walk and talk backwards.
<br><br>
11. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in
the middle of your room. Number them.
<br><br>
12. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If
your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face,
"They're
more than meets the eye."
<br><br>
13. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
<br><br>
14. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a
kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your
performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
<br><br>
15. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
<br><br>
16. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you
food.
<br><br>
17. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off
when you are.
<br><br>
18. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of
weeks."
<br><br>
19. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to
come, pretend nothing happened.
<br><br>
20. Eat glass.
<br><br>
21. Smoke ballpoint pens.
<br><br>
22. Smile. All the time.
<br><br>
23. Collect dog crap in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you
think the dog ate.
<br><br>
24. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
<br><br>
25. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash
can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the
food, and
eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry,
demand
that s/he reimburse you.
<br><br>
26. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a
list of
grievances.
<br><br>
27. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
<br><br>
28. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and
then look away quickly.
<br><br>
29. Dye all your underwear lime green.
<br><br>
30. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
<br><br>
31. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
<br><br>
32. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse
him/her of stealing it.
<br><br>
33. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
<br><br>
34. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
<br><br>
35. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this
up for
three weeks.
<br><br>
36. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.
Refuse to discuss them.
<br><br>
37. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
<br><br>
38. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
"Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
<br><br>
39. Shave one eyebrow.
<br><br>
40. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and
pile
your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments,
mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
<br><br>
41. Put horseradish in your shoes.
<br><br>
42. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain
loudly
that you can never find the book that you want.
<br><br>
43. Always flush the toilet three times.
<br><br>
44. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
<br><br>
45. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play
it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that
it's
an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
<br><br>
46. Give him/her an allowance.
<br><br>
47. Listen to radio static.
<br><br>
48. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them
as soon as you wake up.
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49. Cry a lot.
<br><br>
50. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.
<br><br>
51. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie.
Leave the
baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she
walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
<br><br>
52. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
<br><br>
53. Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and
giggle
to yourself.
<br><br>
54. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
<br><br>
55. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so
for a
while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the
ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out
. . .
use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
<br><br>
56. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
<br><br>
57. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into
the
phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
<br><br>
58. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a
towel, and go shower too.
<br><br>
59. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take
his/her
mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by
UPS.
<br><br>
60. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
<br><br>
61. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like
you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two
weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame
your roommate.
<br><br>
62. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
<br><br>
63. Follow him/her around on weekends.
<br><br>
64. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
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65. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
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66. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
<br><br>
67. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
<br><br>
68. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
<br><br>
69. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say
anything, just stare.
<br><br>
70. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really
important but you can't remember who it was.
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71. Let mice loose in his/her room.
<br><br>
72. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't
answer a
problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask
your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you
don't trust your ceiling.
<br><br>
73. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
<br><br>
74. Skip to the bathroom.
<br><br>
75. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort
for an entire weekend.
<br><br>
76. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in
his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foilage.
<br><br>
77. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when
you leave.
<br><br>
78. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately
without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two
minutes than call whoever it was back.
<br><br>
79. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling
above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
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80. Burn incense.
<br><br>
81. Eat moths.
<br><br>
82. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce
the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate.
The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
<br><br>
83. Collect Chia-Pets.
<br><br>
84. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
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85. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray
three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
<br><br>
86. Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.
<br><br>
87. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath.
Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a
hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
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88. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
<br><br>
89. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything
to eat.
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90. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't
looking,
replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate turns
around. Drink it.
<br><br>
91. Don't ever flush.
<br><br>
92. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you
walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
<br><br>
93. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
<br><br>
94. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your
roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor
and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate
walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know
nothing about them.
<br><br>
95. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while
he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker
at your roommate every morning.
<br><br>
96. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!"
as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes.
Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't
you be going somewhere?"
<br><br>
97. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and
wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in
and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here
again."
<br><br>
98. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and
kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
<br><br>
99. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that
you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again.
Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they
deserved it.
<br><br>
100. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon
as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are
Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible
nightmares.
<br><br>
101. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and
stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires,
explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything
more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
<br><br>
102. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire
about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then
give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the
same.
<br><br>
103. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are
in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
<br><br>
104. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your
roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain
that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
<br><br>
105. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my Gosh! Where the
heck am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go
back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what
he/she is talking about.
<br><br>
106. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day.
Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
<br><br>
107. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the
straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
<br><br>
108. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few
weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live
in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the
door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss
the plant ever again.
<br><br>
109. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the
clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
<br><br>
110. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your
roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
<br><br>
111. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing
so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
<br><br>
112. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes
back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!"
Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your
roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and
ignore your roommate.
<br><br>
113. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give
them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about
your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her?
He/she won't be here much longer."
<br><br>
114. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the
head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering,
"Ungrateful little..."
<br><br>
115. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't
know how they got there.
<br><br>
116. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room.
Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
<br><br>
117. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to
your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything
to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that
your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you.
Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
<br><br>
118. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your
stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your
turn."
<br><br>
119. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the
tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here
somewhere."
<br><br>
120. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you."
Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember
what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!"
Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
<br><br>
121. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in
the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to
bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
<br><br>
122. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt
yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful
recovery. Start walking backwards again.
<br><br>
123. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling.
When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head,
and moan.
<br><br>
124. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a
prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a
pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your
roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig,
eating lots of bacon.
<br><br>
125. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore
the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then
say, "Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly
that you are hungry.
<br><br>
126. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining
about the poor picture quality.
<br><br>
127. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour
every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go
outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be
hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start
standing in front of the window again.
<br><br>
128. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name
one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from
the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's
potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't
belong."
<br><br>
129. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to
shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain
that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
<br><br>
130. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your
roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your
roommate to bring you food and water.
<br><br>
131. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it
with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely,
opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate,
"Psst! Is it gone?"
<br><br>
132. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests,
explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as
you normally would.
<br><br>
133. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited,
telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
<br><br>
134. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm
sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping
up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
<br><br>
135. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so
often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until
you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate
protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
<br><br>
136. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
<br><br>
137. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if
he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on
the empty side of the room with concern.
<br><br>
138. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb
and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few
minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
<br><br>
139. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
<br><br>
<h4>WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR FLOORMATES
(THIS MAY TAKE SOME ROOMMATE COOPERATION)</h4><br><br>
1) Play "Car Bomb" by Negativland on repeat all day long.
<br><br>
2) Get a fishbowl with no water in it and suspend dead or plastic
fish with string inside the bowl. Feed them.
<br><br>
3) Speak another language that no one knows.
<br><br>
4) Dress alike and call each other the same name.
<br><br>
5) Get a big chiming clock and everytime the clock chimes stand
outside your door and smile at the elevator.
<br><br>
6) Attach furniture or small pieces of stuff to the ceiling.
<br><br>
7) Juggle rubber chickens outside the neighbors door.
<br><br>
8) Make it common knowledge that you are writing a book called, "How to
Destroy Your Neighbor, and Eat His Soul." Post signs asking for test
subjects.
<br><br>
9) Slip bill collection notices under your neighbors door at night,
threatening retribution from "Philipe and Guiseppe" if payment is not made
soon.
<br><br>
10) Play role playing games by yourself in the hall.
<br><br>
11) Compose Gregorian Chants about little children.
<br><br>
12) Buy a fog machine and occasionally come out of the smoke filled room
with soot on your face (after playing Car Bomb)
<br><br>
13) Wear lots of make-up
<br><br>
14) Enter the shower wearing all your clothes and hang your robe on the
hook. Leave wearing only a robe.
<br><br>
15) Put up a large contraption that covers one wall and call it a juicer.
<br><br>
16) Build a large metal sculpture in your room and occasionally weld it.
<br><br>
17) Tell people the murder scenes in "Faces of Death" were unrealistic.
Offer to show them what it really looks like.
<br><br>
18) Pet eggs.
<br><br>
19) Ask to borrow your neighbors clothes.
<br><br>
20) Force your neighbors to borrow your clothes.
<br><br>
21) Knock and sniff at everything in their room. When they ask what you
are doing, smile and stand at attention, stating your social security
number, your room number, your phone number, your birthdate, anything with
numbers in it.
<br><br>
22) Hide some of your possessions in your neighbors room. Come
into their room ranting about how they've stolen these possessions.
<br><br>
23) Collect Barbie Doll limbs. Paint blood on the stubs.
<br><br>
24) Dress up like Spiderman and leap around the room.
<br><br>
25) Dance when there is no music.
<br><br>
26) Play a musical instrument such as guitar without strings.
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