Crack(pot) Scientist Warns of 'Black Hole Problem'
 
  Written by Robert G. Werner and James Baughn on December 2, 1998
  from the einstein-is-turning-in-his-grave dept.
NEW YORY, NY -- Noted theoretical physicist and
doom-and-gloom predictor Dryphus G. Corgley warned of the
'Black Hole Problem' at a symposium held at New York
Upstairs Community College yesterday.  Corgley claims that
/dev/null could reach the point of critical mass and cross
the line from simple bit bucket to gravitational well.  His
dire warning stems from the earlier discussion about the
back hole properties of /dev/null held at the
Unconventional Scientist Convention '98 last week.

"Everyone knows Unix has been around in various forms for
nearly 30 years. With all that crap going into /dev/null
over such a long period,  we should  see an Event Horizon
developing around the earliest model PDP-11 within the 
next 10 months," ranted Dryphus G. Corgley.  He went on to
state emphatically, "Other models will follow at an
exponential growth rate until by December 31, 1999 all Unix
and Linux machines will begin making their own /dev/null
induced holes.  These miniature black holes will rapidly
coalesce into one microscopic gravity well, swallowing the
Earth in the process.  The gravity well could be the most
massive object this side of the galactic core."

Ironicaly, according to the scientist's calculations, the
Seattle, WA area will be the last chunk of Earth to be
sucked into the gravity well. This is due to the high
concentration of Microsoft OS-based computers. "Microsoft
rejected Unix tradition and instead used the Blue Screen of
Death as a mechanism to periodically empty the Recycle
Bin," stated one of Corgley's vapid assistants.

When asked for clarification as to how /dev/null could be
the source of such dense matter, Corgley responded with
phrases such as "Einsteinian quantam relativity", "the sub
atomic nature of quarks and glueons", and "three bottles of
beer to demonstrate the conversion of energy to matter."

Many of the scientists attending the symposium were
skeptical of Corgley's claims.  One joked, "The only
gravity well we'll ever deal with is from the critical mass
of bloat reached by Microsoft software during the next
decade."  Another asked, "Aren't you the same guy that was
recently featured in a National Expirer tabloid article for
having a chicken that lays gold and silver eggs?  I think
you have a bit of a credibility problem."

One symposium attendee, a Microsoft employee, was quick to
put a positive spin on Corgley's theory.  "This is yet
another reason why Unix systems are inferior to Windows
NT^H^H2000 systems.  With Windows, you don't have to worry
about being sucked into a black hole.  Bill Gates is
clearly the savior of the human race for trying to end the
hideous plot by Unix developers to destroy the solar
system."